old blog

september 10 elmo doesn't let me cut her nails often. she has a real problem with it, and i hate doing it. i'm covered in scratches all over just from her cuddling or playing. i'm allergic to her too so each scratch swells up and becomes red and itchy for a while. some have turned to scars. i managed to cut most of her nails today while she was napping, but by the last paw she woke up and now she's not very happy with me. i wish it was easier to do. she gets up very early sometimes with the zoomies since she's still quite young. she is very vocal, she meows often and quite loud. i wish it didn't stress me out so much, especially when my partner sleeps over. she's very sweet and clingy and cuddly and i love her so much so i feel guilty when i think that she's too hard for me to take care of, or that i'm a bad parent because i'm exhausted all the time. i just want her to be older already so she'll mellow out.
september 2 what will it take for me to develop some strength?

i quit my job again. i worked there for two weeks this time before my anxiety overwhelmed me.

i joked while i was there that i have a weak, feeble mind. they laughed quite a lot at that, and while i was trying to get a laugh i really did mean it. i am feeble minded. why would a part time barista job overwhelm me so much? even when every mistake i made was met with kindness and patience. lately i feel really, truly stupid.

everyone in my life is so nice to me even though i feel like a huge disappointment. how hard is it to just work a job like anyone else? i'm 29 years old and i feel like a petulent child. i'm not mature enough to endure, even just to hold out until i get a new job before quitting the one i have.

i've been applying to other positions, finding other sources of income, recieving lovely, patient advice from my friends and partner.

when i make impulsive decisions like this, i apologize to the people around me because i feel like a failure, or i feel like they should be disappointed in me, or i feel like they should berate me. why is no one berating me? why is no one telling me how stupid and useless i am?

august 11 a girl wearing rave goth gear sits on the train platform crying. she says she just got mugged. i give her a cat sticker while tornado warnings blare on everyone's phones.

thanks for checking on me. i just wanna go home.

 this morning i put on ben's shirt for some good luck and confidence. i leave for work on time and pay for a train ticket that no one checks for. my test shift at cafe K starts to a warm welcome and quick introduction to the enthusiastic owner.

your're a good man, john.

he laughs brightly at the man who's been coming here for 20 years, he tells me. he jokes and smiles and shows me the ropes while asking all about my life. when i interviewed at cafe Q i was asked if i can handle being berated by the manager, because it would likely happen.

for example, if the owner said "what, are you slow?" ...do you think you could handle that?

i walked out of my second shift at cafe T last week when the manager said i was an idiot if i didn't have the recipes memorized already. so, no.

the owner at cafe K tells me i can get away with not paying train fare for a commute as short as mine and offers to introduce me to a printmaking artist he knows. i make mistakes and fumble some things and i'm offered the job.

my train back home is cancelled- there's a fallen tree on the tracks. i ride two buses and make my way back just in time to get the worst of the rain.

I AM A DOG WEARING RAINBOOTS.

august 9 i can hold so many things in my hands. i give myself terrible haircuts and grow them out again and again and it really is not a big deal. i'll make use of my pretty barettes for now.