3.11.2025

lucid dreaming

lately i've been having some bizarre, vivid dreams and it's been making me want to continue my lucid dreaming practice. i've been able to have a few lucid dreams with increasing amount of control, but for the last few months i haven't been keeping a dream journal or focusing on it at all.

since i don't have a method to check whether i'm dreaming or not i just rely on my intuition and perception. i've managed to make some small improvements in my dream control but it'll definitely go a lot faster if i have a reliable way of becoming lucid in the first place. the reality checks i used to do didn't work for me, so maybe i should start keeping a totem like in inception... maybe i can use the unicorn and pegasus miniatures i bought a while back?

practicing my godlike powers

becoming lucid is only the first step. i'm interested in fully mastering the art of dreaming and the ability to make anything i imagine possible. it's tough to make things appear before your eyes or change in ways that feel surreal so it's best to start small.
in one dream i was able to make small flowers grow around me in a field. in another i thought about conjuring a door so that when i turned around it would be behind me. when i saw it and stepped through i didn't have control over the destination and ended up outside a barn in the desert. while not particularly eventful, these smaller successes have made it slightly easier to navigate my dreams each time. in my most recent dream i was able to conjure a person (actually, it was a video game character) and it looked exactly like them, but the voice wasn't right. i spent the rest of the dream focusing on perfecting their voice to no avail.
i've been so excited and impatient to live out my fantasies that i keep skipping too far ahead in my practice. i need to focus on getting small details right before i jump to conjuring a person again or changing the entire environment. noticing the details of the dreams and making small changes and adjustments should help me get more confident in my dream control.

what are my lucid dream goals?

1. travel.
   i want to go wherever i want. i want to travel to places i've never been before and visit places i haven't been in years. i want to go to the top of a mountain, the middle of the desert, the moon, worlds in movies and video games. mostly i just want to lay down on a beach, though.


2. practice.
   i want to practice the skills i'm pursuing in real life. there's evidence that shows practicing skills in dreams does help improve them while awake. i could practice playing instruments for hours in my dreams. it would be cool to learn a song in a dream and play it once i wake up!
   
   
3. flying.
   i've flown in dreams before and it's incredible every time. i want to fly as much as possible.


4. sex.
   i would like to be able to have sex in my dreams, but so far it hasn't been possible. whenever i've had the opportunity to do so i've found myself hesitant because i'm not dealing with a real person, only my imagination. i can't shake the thought that the other person would just go along with anything i say since they're my own creation and that makes me really uncomfortable, like i'm dealing with a robot that's been programmed to be attracted to me. i've even been rejected by people in my lucid dreams cause i was so unsure about the whole thing.
   
   

3.6.2025

spring is approaching

the weather forecast calls for snow tomorrow, but it's starting to get warmer so it'll probably all melt within a day. i love the snow. i wanted even more snow than we got, and i'm hoping it'll snow again.

still, i wonder if this snow will bring the first flowers of spring. i wonder what color the first flowers i see will be? when i moved here in the summer i was shocked by how lush and diverse people's gardens were. some of the plants were even taller than me. i moved in august so they must've grown pretty quickly; i can't wait to watch them grow before my eyes this time.


from Death Kit by Susan Sontag


hare lolloping down trackside bank (x)


poem tags, to be sewn into your garments (x)

2.7.2025

music is my life<3

i've been listening to music a lot lately cause i'm in the process of downloading everything i have saved on spotify onto my hard drive. i don't want to pay for spotify anymore and i wanna have my music saved like i used to in the limewire days. i don't have any of my old ipods anymore but i'm hoping to get one soon. in the meantime i'm using adblocked versions of spotify on my phone and pc.

i'm downloading my music with spotDL and it's great, but it's gonna take a while. i decided to go ahead and download an old version of itunes so i can get my music library ready, plus the new music app on macOS is incompatible with ipods and it's ugly.

i still want last.fm to show my scrobbles on my site so i downloaded an old version of the last.fm desktop scrobbler that's compatible with my itunes.

at that point i started to feel that the spotify desktop client is an eyesore so i used spicetify to get a text based theme for it, and then i edited the colors to make the accents hot pink. i'm having so much fun customizing everything to my liking and it makes me feel so accomplished to get it all working just the way i need it to!

this is what my current set up looks like.

i've been leaving my music on shuffle and rediscovering some songs i love that i haven't heard in a long time. still, i feel like there's so much music out there for me to listen to and fall in love with! it's so exciting!

also, i have to say- us macOS users deserve a purple heart for the trials and tribulations we go through to get even the simplest programs to work.

2.1.2025

bananas- nature's energy snack

i left my apartment for the first time in over a week to go to the grocery store. as i was walking down the street i was hit with the realization that i wasn't anxious... at all. i used to have daily panic attacks, and i struggled to leave my room just to take out the trash. it's strange to find myself at a point in life where i need more legitimate reasons to feel anxious.

i've been sad ever since i quit my job. not because i quit though- if i hadn't quit i would feel much worse. i'm sad in a more clinical, seasonal affective, unemployed and aimless kinda way. the reason i didn't want to go out all week is because it hasn't snowed in a while. the last time i was out there was snow on the ground, and i didn't want to see that it's all melted.

the cold wind hitting my face felt really nice. bracing. there's no more snow on the ground, but it's still beautiful out there. wet, brown leaves littered the sidewalk and the trees were totally bare, which meant i could look up and see a bunch of bird's nests.

i saw a man wearing a blue beanie, a woman carrying tulips, and two miniature schnauzers with unclipped ears that reminded me of my old friend Milky.

when i got to the grocery store i noticed something for the first time: there was a giant sign over the banana display with huge text that read

bananas

nature's energy snack

i found it so amusing. it reminded me of the kind of signs you see in video games with lots of assets and decorations to make them feel more lived in. i like to read signs in video games cause i find them charming and whimsical, especially when they're in comic sans. i guess i didn't notice how often i ignore those same signs in real life.

i did in fact go to the store to buy bananas, and as i walked back home i saw a rainbow. it was very small, the tiniest opening in the clouds, and i could only see it with my sunglasses on. it made me so happy to have caught it just at the right moment.

i'm glad i went out today. it's supposed to finally snow again tomorrow... i think i'll take the opportunity to go for a long walk.

1.28.2025

i made a zine to share some cool stuff i like! go check it out!!

1.25.2025

developing good habits/breaking bad ones

now that i'm unemployed and i have all this free time i can really focus on bettering myself and getting out of this awful depression. i've already taken some steps to overcoming my smartphone addiction, including buying a watch and dumbing my phone down to as few apps as possible.

i only kept the apps that are essential to me right now, and i created a shortcut that makes the camera and photo apps run in color while the rest is in offwhite greyscale. the goal is to turn my phone into an ereader with access to maps and calls/texting. once i buy an ipod i'll get rid of spotify too. eventually i'll offload the mail and browser apps as well, but while i'm still applying for jobs it's more convenient to keep them.

i keep reaching for my phone constantly out of habit, but seeing the b&w homescreen reminds me to put it down right away. it's too boring to look at to keep my attention anyway.

other habits on my list:

1. wake up and go to bed early- i set the alarm on my new watch for 5am.
2. stretch every morning after waking up
3. read before bed, and read more in general
4. keep my room clean
5. do the dishes every night
6. etc...

1.15.2025

how to overcome my phone addiction and stop feeling like a lazy liar for not engaging in my hobbies, starting today. right now. no time to waste.

1. buy a watch. ever since my last one broke i've reverted to checking the time on my phone. it's no wonder i reach for it constantly. update: i wasted no time and bought a used casio on ebay for $14. it arrives in two days.
   


2. bring my cd player with me and listen to cds instead of podcasts. once i get an ipod and download my music onto it i'll carry that instead.


3. let myself wonder. i don't need to immediately google and find the answer to every single question that pops in my head. it's fun to not know some things.


4. write down notes on paper. i bought so many pretty pens, it would be a shame not to use them! if i need to remember something for later, i'll write it down on paper instead of my phone.


5. return my library books. i have too many books checked out and i'm not reading them cause the one i really wanted wasn't available. return the books and go to the library that DOES have the book i want. finish reading that one before i check out another.


6. leave my phone in my bag while i'm on break at work. use that time to journal.

more updates to come.

1.13.2025

being alive is beautiful

i rode the train again today and was overcome with this wave of love for everyone around me and an immense appreciation for the achievements of humankind.
the fact that we were sitting in this marvel of engineering, zipping through these giant buildings, all holding miniature computers in our pockets- it's all so amazing.
i thought about how in love i am with this city and how often i say that to friends who ask me how i'm doing after the move. and it's not just me. so many people from all over the world chose to live here because they love it. because it's incredible and even if we don't think about it every day we're living in the future. we have access to such incredible technology every day. it's remarkable to think about how much thought and planning was put into every single aspect of our modern lives by our ancestors who worked tirelessly to innovate.

i felt a wave of love for myself as well.
a girl riding the train on her own, on her day off, on her way to spend the day at the museum. nails painted, dirty hair in a claw clip, wearing a leather jacket a few sizes too big. i thought about what i would think if i saw someone else who looked like me on the train and i felt endeared to myself in that moment.
i remembered my day at the aquarium and how i smiled at the girl who took my ticket, and how she smiled back, and how happy it makes me to exchange a smile with another girl.
my hands were cold in my gloves and i thought about how nice it would be to be holding someone's hand.

when i got off the train i overheard a group of girls behind me talking about their weekend and laughing.
"they said we were supposed to drink water after our massages, and instead we drank alcohol~!" it sounded like they were having a lot of fun.

the wave of love i felt at the museum was nearly overwhelming. slowly, quietly, me and the other patrons took our time taking in these beautiful old works of art for no other purpose than to enhance our lives by observing something beautiful.

the bronze sculptures were pacticularly captivating. i chose not to read the descriptions of the artworks so i could interpret them on my own. one sculpture was called Lamenting Group.



in one room there was a large painting of a monkey eating fruit. it had a really sweet and mischeavous face. a child saw it and turned to his mom excitedly, tugging on her pant leg and pointing it out to her.

on my way home i saw a beautiful stranger and i wondered what it would be like if they approached me and struck up a conversation. i decided it would be nice, but noticing their beauty and never seeing them again was just as good.

i write this and i'm thinking about you, the person reading this, and the people who visit my site, and the fact that i decided to make this site and share these thoughts. i don't like writing. i think i'm terrible at it and i don't like the way i sound when i've chosen my words too carefully. but sharing these moments where i'm overwhelmed with the beauty of life feels imperative regardless of my writing ability.

i'm so moved by the beautiful complexity of being alive. i don't know what to do with myself!

1.10.2025

i'm in love with this place

i have never felt more alive. even when i'm struggling i can't help but be awestruck by the simple beauty in everything around me. the moments i spend on my own, taking in the little things, without my phone or any distractions... that's when i feel the most like myself.

• laying on the grass at the park, watching a meteor shower.
• going on a two hour walk to the zoo.
• making a snow angel in an empty parking lot.
• walking to 7/11 in the rain, 4pm and already pitch black.
• hand-drawing a map to navigate my way around the city.
• standing in front of the shark tank at the aquarium and pretending i'm inside it.
• going to the movie theatre on christmas.
• witnessing a couple share a kiss goodbye.
• carrying a coffee table from an alley up to my apartment. accepting help from nice strangers.
• researching how to develop good habits at the library.
• figuring out how to ride the train.

1.7.2025

my lovely solo date

today was a free admission day at the aquarium so i decided to finally go check it out and spend my day off downtown! the plan was to shop for some bookbinding thread, go ice skating for a bit, check out the aquarium, and end my day doodling at a cafe. it ended up being such a lovely day.

i was riding the train, lost in thought, when just as i looked up i saw a photo of elliott smith perfectly at eye level. a girl with a screenprinted tote bag with his face on it was just walking past in that moment to get off at the station. if i had looked even a second later i would've missed it! i wish i had gotten a chance to talk to her, but even just seeing it for a second made me happy.

later while shopping for thread i ended up getting a bunch of other supplies too. i already started making my journal for 2025 and all i have left to do is bind it. having many different pens will really enhance my journaling experience!

1. lino block. maybe i'll make a print for the cover of my journal
2. brown oil pastel
3. waxed thread. i wanted unwaxed but it was all they had
4. pink pilot click pen
5. black micronpen, archival ink
6. purple pen
7. black pilot click pen
8. pink coloring brush pen

i also saw these two by the checkout and i couldn't help myself... i think i'll keep the unicorn in my bag and the pegasus in my jacket pocket as good luck charms.

i ended up arriving a bit late to the skating rink and i would've had to make a reservation for 9pm which felt too late so i decided to skip it. i'll go another day in the morning. as i walked to the aquarium 30 minutes away a car pulled up next to me on the bridge which was a bit concerning, but it was just a nice woman offering me a ride since it was so cold. i thanked her and refused since i almost there anyway, but it made me happy to have been shown such kindness by a stranger!

the aquarium was beautiful. i pet some sharks and sea stars, and i had a really lovely interaction with a penguin. the enclosure was dark and most of them were asleep on their rock, but one of them was playing around in the water. there was an illuminated sign with information about the penguins in front of the glass, and when i held my hand up to it it cast a shadow onto the bottom of the tank. the penguin swam around chasing the shadow of my fingers as i waved them back and forth, and we played like that for a while. it was so cute!!


i saw a vending machine had some goldfish which seemed like a funny and appropriate snack choice but my bag got stuck. i'm sure i could've shaken the machine or stuck my arm in to grab it but there were too many people around so i just cut my losses.

by the end of the night i was exhausted and the cafe i wanted to go to was closing soon, so i just got some tea and congee at a restaurant i like by my apartment. i gasped when i saw the reciept said my order was number 22! as in pluto22!!



i'm so glad i decided to go out today even though i felt really lazy this morning. i had so many tiny, beautiful, serendipitous experiences. i really feel like the universe is encouraging the optimism i've been trying to foster this year. i've been a sourpuss for so long and now i just feel warm and grateful.
<3

1.7.2025

love and optimism are IN

12.29.24

New Year's Resolutions- I love them!

i understand the issues some people have with the concept of a new year's resolution. some people think they're pointless because they will be abandoned in a month and you don't need to wait till January 1st every year in order to pick up a new habit. i get it. time isn't real. we can decide to better ourselves at any time. it's a lot of pressure and we often set the bar too high and we can't commit for longer than a few weeks, feeling discouraged and disappointed in ourselves by February. they're certainly not for everyone.

but they are for me! i love setting New Year's Resolutions!

even though it may be arbitrary in the grand scheme of things, i really do find myself motivated by the idea of starting a new calendar year feeling fresh. the last few years my resolution has been to exercise daily, and every year i've succeeded, at least for a while. my best year was 2022, i exercised for 100 days in a row!

every year i start a few days earlier at the end of December to make the transition a little smoother; this year i'm starting on the 29th and spending the next few days cleaning my apartment.

my 2025 resolutions are:

exercising daily

i'm once again gonna do my best to exercise every single day. as long as i do some form of exercise in my apartment i will count it as a success, be it dancing, jumping jacks, a couple of crunches, some stretches. anything counts!

quitting sugar

this is the big one... i quit sugar for a month in the summer and i absolutely loved it. it was very tough at first to overcome the cravings but once i did it made managing my bipolar disorder and my mood swings significantly easier. i really never felt more energized and optimistic as i did then, and fruit tasted so much sweeter which was a wonderful bonus!
i don't want to completely forbid myself from ever having treats (that's no way to live) so i'll definitely still let myself have sugar on special occassions. as long as i'm not relying on sugar as my main source of easy dopamine, i'll be okay.

i'm very excited for the new year and i believe in myself. if you've read this far, i hope 2025 is a wonderful year full of unexpected positive turns in your life.

happY 2o25 !!!

12.26.24

Nosferatu 2024!

i went to see the new Nosferatu movie on christmas. i've loved the other Eggers movies i've seen so i had high expectations and it did not disappoint!

spoilers ahead!!

i haven't seen the original Nosferatu yet, but i've read Dracula and it was really cool to see this interpretation. the cast was incredible and Lily Rose Depp completely blew me away. i heard Harry Styles was in consideration to play Thomas and i'm so incredibly relieved they went with Nicholas Hoult instead.

it's a love story. it's about unconditional love and the ultimate sacrifice. i was really moved by it. love. parental love, platonic love, romantic love, sexual love, love for a pet. it was so present. Ellen even said the words "thank you for loving me." i want to rewatch it and count how many times the words "love" and "i love you" are said.

i'm still reeling from it. i really liked it a lot.

now playing: Nosferatu Man - Slint