February 19, 2025
19:47
:
endless endless days are flying by
time hasn't felt real the last few weeks. it either slips through my fingers or it drags on for eternity. i'm very stressed and nervous that i'm still unemployed.
- applied to a couple of jobs. none too interesting, one might be okay.
- playing a game about summer vacation as a child.
- singing the same song over and over and over and over.
Current Mood: 
nervous
February 9, 2025
19:04
:
i'm so sick of follower counts!
i hate that i'm not immune to the reward signals that get sent to my brain when i see my follower count increase. that isn't something i want. opening the neocities homepage and immediately knowing if i've been followed or unfollowed stresses me out! i don't care for the established sense of obligation
(follow4follow!) that is so prevalent across social media. follow me, unfollow me, i really don't mind! but having the numbers shoved in my face gives my brain a chemical reward, and i resent that. thankfully i found
an extension that hides the follower and view count which feels much more in line with what i wanted when i started this site. not knowing how many followers anyone has is a weight off my shoulders.
Current Mood: 
fed up
February 8, 2025
23:53
:
i love elliott smith
i can't really explain how comforting i find his music. i don't even particularly like talking about it because i can't quite put it into words. i've heard those songs hundreds of times and i don't get tired of them. i listened to waltz #1 tonight and my heart skipped a beat.
Current Mood: 
moved
February 7, 2025
12:46
:
how rewarding!
i love how it feels to improve at a skill, especially when i've tought myself everything. the more i work on my html and css skills the more i can achieve. i keep having ideas for things that seem impossible to execute with my skillset, but i keep trying anyway and surprising myself with what i'm able to accomplish!
Current Mood: 
capable
January 31, 2025
20:37
:
art is fun!!
somehow, as depressed as i am, i'm managing to be really creative! i've been tweaking my zine a bit, and i just made some new pixel art on a whim and i'm really happy with how it turned out. i wasn't even this motivated and efficient with my art when i was in art school!
Current Mood: 
creative
January 27, 2025
0:22
:
i miss my bass :(
i had to give it away when i moved here. i miss playing and learning new songs, even just idly messing around with it... i hope as soon as i get a job i'm able to start saving up for a new one. i want a black ibanez with custom hot pink vinyl on the pickups. some day...
Current Mood: 
nostalgic... for music
January 26, 2025
17:16
:
i'm too tired to do anything
since dumbing down my phone i've done a good job at staying off of it. i haven't exactly been able to pick up other hobbies though. i've been sleeping a lot more, and even after cleaning my room from top to bottom i don't
feel like doing anything. i want to read and listen to music or even just watch some tv but i'm completely crushed under the weight of anhedonia. maybe writing this and working on my site will help.
Current Mood: 
numb
January 21, 2025
22:18
:
my baby ruto!!
it makes me so happy when my kitty cuddles with me! he's the world's cutest angel and he lives in my room!!
Current Mood: 
motherly
January 20, 2025
8:41
:
i want to stand still for a moment
i don't want to make any more decisions right now.
Current Mood: 
drained
January 18, 2025
21:24
:
all i can do is ride the wave
over the years i've made a lot of progress in managing my anger and anxiety; these days i don't doubt the validity of my emotions as much as i used to.
when it comes to my body though, there really isn't much i can do to make the pain in my chest go away. all i can do is wait. i know it'll pass eventually, but for now i just have to feel it.
Current Mood: disappointed
January 17, 2025
21:47
:
I'M FREE!!!
I JUST QUIT MY JOB! I'M FINALLY FREE!!
i can't believe i waited this long. i have been miserable for months and i finally reached my boiling point. no more wasting time in that shithole for the sake of convenience. i'm so excited to do literally anything else!! i don't even care that i'm gonna be unemployed. i'm FREE!!!
Current Mood: 
overjoyed and relieved!!!
January 16, 2025
13:51
:
david lynch died today
i'm listening to elliott smith right now. i hate my job. i love this city. i'm anxious about the future. i'm proud of myself for getting this far. i'm disappointed in my mental health. i'm very hungry and i have no appetite. i want to make friends, i want to watch a movie with them and sit in silence and be understood.
Current Mood: overwhelmed
January 16, 2025
11:52
:
like a hot, jittery teapot screaming and boiling over
nunca quedas mal con nadie - los prisionerosthe title loosely translates to
'you never let yourself be on bad terms with anyone.' it's a song about people who insist they care about protesting and enacting radical change in front of their friends, yet they're too afraid to ruffle any feathers to actually criticize their government in public. people who are so afraid of being disliked they feel the need to be friendly and agreeable with everyone, even people they themselves do not like or agree with.
for the love of god, grow a backbone.
Current Mood: 
peeved
January 16, 2025
0:44
:
well i thought about it some more
i can keep spinning out about all the things i hate about myself and all the ways i wish i was like someone else- or i can just let it go. it's a feeling that'll keep coming to me in life, and i have to keep pushing past it. i will never be able to hate myself into being the person i wanna be. i'm bored of it anyway.
Current Mood: very tired
January 15, 2025
0:14
:
i'm afraid that i'm disgusting
that my heart isn't pure. that i hold too much judgment for others and for myself. that i'm deeply, profoundly uninteresting and that knowing me is an overall net negative. can i blame this on my trauma or my mental health or anything else? will i ever come to terms with who i am and accept that i can't be every single thing i admire in others? will i always be lacking?
Current Mood: disgusted
January 14, 2025
0:15
:
interesting little things
i was listening to a podcast and someone said how grateful he was to be invited on by his best friend. the host replied "oh, jay, please!"
- referring to someone as "best friend"
- the exclamation "oh!"
- the word "please" as a way to dismiss someone's thanks as unnecessary
Current Mood: 
curious
January 10, 2025
0:24
:
i don't want to feel this dread anymore
my job is terrible and leaves me so depressed. i'm trying really hard to keep a positive outlook but for now all i can do is wait... i want this anticipation of something better to be over with. i wanna get an interview with the job i want and i wanna be on the other side of this already.
Current Mood: 
upset
January 7, 2025
15:02
:
it snowed again!!
hot pink nail polish, chick flicks, bubble baths, snow angels! just a few things that are making me happy lately!
Current Mood: 
silly :3
January 1, 2025
20:11
:
let's go 2025!
i'm so excited to see what's to come! this year feels special to me because i don't have as much weighing me down as i used to.
Current Mood: 
optimistic
December 31, 2024
11:33
:
happy new year!!
i'm so excited for 2025! i'm spending the day cleaning my room and tonight i'll watch When Harry Met Sally and dance in my room at midnight! i'm not a particularly positive person but i really love the excitement of starting a new year. i can't help but be optimistic!
Current Mood: 
upbeat
December 26, 2024
18:23
:
god get me out of here
i'm writing this on my phone during my break at work. i hate it here. i need to stop being nice and just find another job.
Current Mood: 
annoyed
December 25, 2024
18:44
:
merry christmas
there was a single, tiny patch of snow left on the sidewalk today. i thought it had all melted already so seeing it made me happy. i watched the new nosferatu tonight and i'm left with thoughts about unconditional love.
Current Mood: 
pensive, festive
December 22, 2024
9:35
:
sigh
after today's shift i have a few days off for the holidays. i seriously can't wait to get it over with. i'm so tired of working.
Current Mood: 
tired
December 21, 2024
21:30
:
are you fr???
my coworker is sooooo annoying!!! she keeps complaining nonstop about everyone and everything. this is a part time food service job!! you don't have to take it so seriously and you definitely shouldn't be pushing others to do more than we get paid to. i get paid minimum wage and i do my job just fine. she needs to stop being so mean cause i don't care!!!!
Current Mood: 
irritated
December 20, 2024
12:51
:
i'm gonna try!
i'm stressed out for many reasons (mostly my own bad choices) but this morning i feel a little better and i'm gonna run with it. i will keep doing my best to be optimistic.
Current Mood: 
motivated
December 19, 2024
21:54
:
december is impossible
i picked up some soup on my way home from work. there's snow on the ground and the houses are all decorated with beautiful twinkling lights. i wish i could focus on this warm feeling but i'm anxiously waiting for some news and the uncertainty is totally harshing my vibe!
Current Mood: 
uneasy