4.13.24

the aries horoscope for april on alicesparklykat.com said something i found interesting:

let your actions change your thinking. let the present moment change you. the present can change your future but it can also change your past.

i've been thinking about that last sentence a lot. change is a powerful tool, and one i've been misuing for my whole life. i change things on the surface very often, but deep within i feel just as sad, bitter, and resentful as ever. i want more than anything to be someone else somewhere else. i want to speak with different words in another voice to people i've never met. i want to effortlessly roll out of bed and allow anyone i run into to gaze upon all of me with no shame. i want to be something very different than i am now.

that level of change requires a lot more than wishful thinking, or a moment of manic energy to pull me through. it requires time, discipline, planning. it requires positive thinking and ambition, two qualities i do not possess (not with that attitude!)

but i'm so fucking scared, and sad. i'm pathetic. i see it every day in the job i hate and my apartment that grows more and more disgusting. my throat is closing up as i write this because i feel so scared that the present me is setting future me up for another year of failure. i want things to be better already. i want to feel better and be better. i want to be that person who can look back on this time like its a horrible, horrible dream. i want to be so much better than this.

i need to start getting rid of things, getting rid of everything that doesn't serve me anymore. i need to take out all the trash and get a second job and save every penny. i need to get my shit together. i need to be somewhere else. i need to be anything else.

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listening to: